Preventing Separation-Related Anxiety or Frustration

Written during the 2020/21 Covid-19 Pandemic.
By Emma Judson

Currently, we are all supposed to be staying at home, going out as little as possible, and it is tempting to think that this is brilliant news for our dogs.

And it might be… But!

For some dogs, that change in routine is going to be stressful. Even if it’s fun, it might still be adding stress.

It may also cause a breakdown in routine. When you return to work and to socialising outside your house without your dog, you could face a significant problem. Your dog can no longer cope with being left.

So, what can you do?

Manage Stress, Reduce Stress, Avoid Stress

These should be your first steps when addressing any change in routine or trying to change behaviour.

Observe your dog. What winds them up? What worries them? What sends them giddy? Take some notes and then either avoid those things, or sandwich them between more calming, relaxing activities


Example: Watching wildlife out of the window sends my terrier loopy. He can’t get at it. He’d like to chase it, but he cannot, so he yells and it runs away. That’s reinforced his behaviour, so he repeats it and gets himself into a right state.

Solution: Block his view by using frosted window film. Move furniture. Draw blinds. Entertain him in another room. This breaks that cycle of stress, reinforcement, more stress.

Example: My partner is in another room that dogs do not usually go in. The door is shut, and he can be heard shouting at computer games. The dogs find this really frustrating as they cannot get to him. They become anxious because of the loud sounds.

Solution: Turn down the volume. Entertain the dogs in another room with something calming. Suggest partner plays different games or does not play. Suggest that dogs be allowed in the room with him so they can see what’s going on/be with him.

By noting down what winds up and upsets the dog, and then finding workarounds, you can reduce stress quite a lot. For the things you can’t avoid, try giving your dogs a calming activity such as Free Work, scent games, massage, or simply finding scattered food to bring them back down. Remember, not all dogs find the same thing relaxing!


OK, So Now What?

My dog is now calm, my house is a serene haven of chill…

If you had a routine of leaving your dog before the Covid-19 lockdown, and your dog was genuinely OK with that, then approximate that routine as much as you can.

For example, if you got up at eight o’clock, dressed and went out, then get up at eight o’clock, dress and go read your emails in your car.

By sticking to as much of the routine as is practical, the change when you do go back to work will be minimised and your dog will tolerate it far better.

Again, make notes as to what your routine is. What actions or events are significant to your dog?

If your dog thinks that you putting on work shoes and lippy is significant, then include that in your routine. If he thinks you putting on your PJs and slippers means you are staying home, then do not use those to go and sit in the car. It won’t meet his idea of a normal routine.

If your dog was not OK with being left pre-lockdown and they already had a problem with separation, then do not follow the instructions above. You will simply cause frustration and distress.


For the dogs and puppies who have not yet been left, you will first need to desensitise them to all the potential triggers that will eventually tell them that you are leaving. Then gradually build up an ‘absence routine’.

The key point is that you avoid frustration or anxiety. Identify all the possible triggers in list form and keep adding and amending that list. Keep diaries on what your dog has seen, done, experienced, and how they have slept each day. Break each stage down into tiny steps – tinier than you may think possible or necessary!

Example: Bert starts to worry when his owner puts on her work shoes, starts filling her handbag with stuff, looking for keys, and putting on her coat.

To desensitise Bert, we identify that work shoes, handbag, looking for stuff, keys and coat are all triggers.

Then we take one of the triggers from this list, let’s say handbag.

  • Pick up handbag, put handbag down immediately
  • Repeat five times without speaking to Bert, but keeping an eye on him
  • If he settles while this is going on, we know that’s OK. If Bert does not settle or if Bert gets more worried, we know this is too much so we will refine further

Bert doesn’t settle, but doesn’t get worse.


  • So, now the new routine is to touch the handbag but not pick it up, five times in a row
  • Bert settles while this happens
  • When Bert reliably settles during this desensitisation session, and when his face says ‘meh, I don’t care about this’, we know we can add something else. We can push the desensitisation a little further.
  • So, now the new routine we try is to touch the handbag five times and lift it, but not fully pick it right up just once within those five repetitions
  • Touch, touch, touch and lift, touch, touch, end

The same sort of break-down applies to all those potential triggers. Start at a point where you think Bert will be OK. Watch carefully and if he is not OK, scale it down. If he is OK with it, you can push things a little further.

Always be ready to drop back a bit on the difficulty or duration of a session, even if the dog is doing well. Even when it looks like nothing is happening, the dog is processing what’s going on. If we simply make things harder and harder, we will go too far, and cause a plateau or a backslide in progress.

Eventually, you should have a whole list of triggers that are now, at least in some contexts, no longer triggers. Hurrah!


Now you go back through the process, but this time adding the triggers together. Mix this up in different combinations: shoes and bag; coat and keys; bag and keys; bag and coat. Then try to add in three things, or four things, and so on.

This does sound very tedious, complicated, and chaotic, which is why you really do need to keep good notes of what you are doing and how he is dealing with it.

Finally: we do not use food to desensitise. Food creates arousal and that’s stressful. So, wherever possible, we don’t use food.

If you cannot break a trigger down into a small enough step to achieve desensitisation, if your dog is still fearful or worried, and that either gets worse or doesn’t improve, then use food to counter-condition first.

So, that would look like this:

  • Touch bag. Give treat. Repeat five times. End
  • Touch bag. Touch bag. Give treat. Repeat three times. End
  • Touch bag. Give treat. Touch bag. Give treat. End

Sometimes we give a treat every time and sometimes we don’t, but we make the session shorter. Mixing things up like this can reduce the arousal a little. If you have a frustrated dog, then do less, make it easier, or even reduce the value of your treats.

The goal here is that your dog sees the trigger and gets his ‘woohoo treat time’ face on. This, of course, means that once we have changed his emotional response from ‘argh, scary!’ to ‘woohoo, yay’, we still need to desensitise to get back down from ‘woohoo yay’ to ‘meh, I don’t care’.

Building desensitisation routines and building absence routines are tricky things to do. I strongly recommend you find a separation anxiety practitioner to help guide and support you through that process. If not, it can become too overwhelming, too difficult to see progress, and very easy to get wrong or give up!


Can’t I Just Shut my Dog in Another Room for a Few Hours

while I get on with work? Won’t that help him stay used to being alone?

I have seen this recommendation elsewhere and it really makes me cringe.

If your dog is already OK with being left shut in another room or shut out of the room you are in while you are home, then fine. That’s not a problem and it won’t cause problems. However, it will not prepare him for you being out of the house. He knows you are home!

You really cannot trick a dog into thinking you are out when you are in. He can smell you; he can hear you; he can feel you walking around. The air around your house moves differently with various doors shut/open.

If your dog is already not OK with this, if it causes him to bark or whine or shred the carpet or chew stuff, he won’t become OK with it by magic. It will not help him when you go back to work, either.

What if I Distract him with a Kong or Chew?

Nope. Distraction, if done successfully, means your dog doesn’t know whether you are out or at home. So, he isn’t learning how to cope with that, he’s too busy. He hasn’t learned anything.

It can also be unsuccessful.

Your dog may learn that the Kong or the chew predicts something unpleasant happening, and so begins to show anxiety when you start to prepare the Kong or hand over the chew.


Your dog may be successfully distracted, but if he finishes his chew or toy before you return, he may suddenly discover he is alone and panic or become very anxious.

Your dog may find trying to destuff a Kong very frustrating. I see this quite a lot as people go to ever greater lengths to make the Kong hard to destuff. So, he is more likely to bark, dig, whine, howl, or indeed, just give up and be very upset.

Your dog may be too distressed to be distracted by the toy. I see this a lot as well. In some cases, the presence of a delicious Kong they cannot currently eat simply adds to the anxiety and frustration of the situation! If you have ever sat at your desk with your lunch on a plate, but have been too busy to eat it, you will have some understanding of how that feels!

So, What Can I Do?

Aside from what I have already mentioned, you can play games that encourage independence, help him choose to go (and stay) away from you, and that build confidence.

Simple games that involve your dog going away to find food or toys are easy to devise and can really reinforce that it is safe to do this.

You can also allow your dog (particularly new rescue dogs and puppies) as much contact with you as they want, as this builds security. The more secure and confident they are, the easier it is to teach them and the better their capacity for tolerating things they’d rather not do later on!